The Life Erotic
Yes, it includes sex, and, yes, it's also more
“There’s nothing more erotic than hiding your authentic selves.” No, this isn’t what someone at work said to me. It’s a line from “Happiest Season,” a 2020 addition to our Holiday movie roster. Quick plot catch-up: Harper and Abby have been dating for a year. Harper invites Abby home for Christmas with her family, and on the drive there, Harper reveals she never actually came out to her family and they think she’s bringing her roommate home for Christmas because she’s an orphan (true) and has nowhere to go (not true). Harper advises Abby to not reveal they’re dating, and also to tell her family she’s straight.
As you might imagine, things go poorly from there, which is the fun of the movie. And then about three-quarters of the way through, John, one of Abby’s friends arrives to save Abby from being shoved back into the proverbial closet. And around that point Abby’s wrestling with loving Harper and also wanting to be with someone who is ready to be completely themselves. Hence John’s sarcastically delivered line, “There’s nothing more erotic than hiding your authentic selves.”
Erotic is often used as explicitly sexual. But the root of erotic comes from the Greek word eros, which means desire. And while there’s clearly a sexual element you can add to desire, there is also far more depth. I might desire rest when I’m tired or food when I’m hungry. I might desire the comfort of good music or a meal prepared with love and care. Some days I might desire connection and being with people, and other days I might desire solitude. Some days I desire to write, and others it’s the last thing I want to do.
That’s the thing about desire, about eros, or what some circles refer to as lifeforce energy. It’s not static or constant. It ebbs and flows. In a world that praises and rewards hustle and grind, it can be tough to make a case for eros. You desire rest or a break? Tough luck, you better lock in on a four-hour morning routine to pack in a whole workday before your actual workday if you want to be successful. That over-the-top “f*ck your feelings and keep going” mentality doesn’t have any time for eros; it can’t be swayed by how well (or not) you’re feeling today.
But that go-go-go approach is out of sync with the wider rhythms of life. Right now, in the northern hemisphere, the days are getting shorter, trees have dropped their leaves, and depending on where you live it’s not too pleasant to be outside much. Contrast that with six months from now when temperatures will be warming up, gardens blooming, and days stretching out longer and longer. We don’t stop living in the winter, but the season does invite a down-shift, a change in our energy.
Maybe we read more books, watch more movies, do a puzzle. I, for one, desire more hot tea in December than July, even though I’ll still drink it in July. It’s like life is showing us things change, maybe our energy shifts along with those changes, and we’re allowed to change too.
But what does that have to do with hiding our authentic selves? For me hiding my authentic self and ignoring eros has taken many forms over the years:
denying desire because I wanted to be rid of it and thought it was “bad” (In this case I am talking sexual)
Not allowing myself to rest or take an easy day because there’s always more to do
Staying on a particular professional trajectory because I couldn’t allow myself to imagine the possibility that I should be able to get paid doing something I enjoy
Doggedly sticking to my workout plan despite all signals from my body indicating a rest day (or two) are what is needed (or desired)
Staying quiet in a conversation where I have a point of view but am too scared to share it because I don’t want to rock the boat, or I want everyone to like me and what happens if they don’t agree?
Forcing myself to eat copious amounts of protein, even though my body feels better when I eat more (not only) plants
Those are just a handful of the ways I’ve overridden eros or desire or lifeforce, and I’m sure I will continue to find ways to ignore it because this whole life-thing is a process of arriving and never feeling arrived.
And the problem with overriding those pulls and the still small voice of desire, is the more you ignore it, the harder it is to hear or feel. Maybe in the beginning I could feel the proverbial pea under the mattress, but ignore those signals long enough and I wouldn’t even notice the boulder under the mattress.
And there’s a step worse than this growing insensitivity to our desire, our eros: if we do it long enough, we forget how good life can feel when we’re living in alignment with it. Without intending to, if we suppress our feelings and desires long enough, we can unknowingly lock ourselves into perpetual winter of sorts. And while winter’s good for a season, if it’s all we ever experience, we’ll forget the long, sun-warmed summer days are even a possibility. We get trapped in hiding our authentic selves and whatever your take on “Happiest Season,” John’s write that there’s nothing erotic about hiding our authentic selves.
The good news is it’s simple (if not easy) to break this inauthentic spell. We just have to slow down a bit to listen to where eros is leading us, not forever, just for this moment. What is desire asking of me? I’m closing up a chapter of eleven years at my current job and starting a coaching business because that’s what eros is pulling me toward. You don’t have to quit your day job. It could be as simple as walking instead of running today, or maybe it’s running instead of walking. Grabbing a coffee (maybe try decaf) instead of a latte, or vice versa. And, yes, it is erotic so see what’s there on the sexual side, too, because it’s one of life’s pleasures and why not enjoy it?
But the secret to authenticity and eros is remembering it won’t be the same all the time. Curiosity and openness are key to the journey. Maybe you’re already an expert at living in alignment with your authenticity, of following your eros. Maybe you, like me, have been shutting off those signals for a lot of your life. If you’re in the latter camp, the good news is you can start in this moment with a simple question: what do you want right now?
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Your turn: What’s your relationship to eros or desire?
Desire is such an important part of my life, especially since sobriety. Before then I had absolutely no idea what I wanted and I was just floating in the wind. I couldn't feel for long enough to even get a glimpse. And ironically when I could finally feel, it felt too intense and I immediately shut it down. Desire felt like a dirty word and my body would freeze at the first sign of intensity (even the positive kind).
Now that I have the capacity to hold my desires and the courage to follow them, I've noticed that the more I allow myself to follow my desires, the more the world opens up for me and meets my needs. There's some sort of magic that happens when we declare those desires and take the first step towards claiming them!