What If You Have a Choice?
Yeah, Curiosity Might Have Killed The Cat. Good Thing You're Not a Cat. Or If You Are, Meow.
What if you have a choice?
Seems like an redundant question, right? Of course you have a choice. When to wake up. Whether to exercise in the morning, or not. Coffee, tea, or no caffeine? Which route to work? What music you do or don’t listen to on your commute, at your desk. What you have for lunch. How hard to push during the day. What to have for dinner. What to watch or read or do with your free time in the evening.
These are just a few of the probably hundreds of choices we all have each day. So, why, when it comes to drinking alcohol can it feel like you don’t have a choice? Like the arc of society and culture always bends toward booze?
And this momentum is agnostic to your gender.
The most socially acceptable form of male bonding is drinks in hand (typically beers) and sports on television. Whether it’s at a sports bar or your neighbor’s garage, to borrow a phrase from Montell Jordan, “this is how we do it.” And the added benefit, beyond feeling included in the moment, is you’ll be able to talk to other guys at the office about the game you watched (and drank through) with the other guys the next day. And if you didn’t do either of these things, you might start to find yourself on the outer edge of these socially acceptable circles.
Women don’t have it much better. You might find more options to bond without booze, and mommy wine culture might be fading, but it’s far from gone. Its messaging simple and effective: hard day at home with the kids? A glass of wine can fix that. Tough day at work and kids bouncing off the wall while you try to figure out what’s for dinner? A glass of wine will smooth that transition. Not too many, mind you, just to take the edge off, or so the messaging goes.
And either gender working in a corporate setting: have customers coming in town? A drink is always the answer. If you question this and you don’t work in sales, just listen around your office or catch up with somebody there, it’s everywhere. A reflex, not even a thought. Just like your knee springing up as the doctor strikes your knee with the little hammer, going out for drinks (the alcohol kind) is always the answer.
(Quick aside, why does alcohol get the words “drinks/drinking”? It’s handy shorthand, but also kind of annoying that we’ve ceded those words to that industry.)
I’ve spoken to two people in the past week who shared this reality from their own lives. One took a long break from alcohol and felt great. It didn’t transform their life magically, but they did feel good while not drinking. And then the holidays came and those typical influences of holiday parties and merriment that make it seem like you’re not getting into the spirit unless you’re getting into the spirits. And now, they’re bringing some more curiosity to taking another break from alcohol.
Another friend also still drinks, but they bring mindfulness and curiosity to the equation. Trying to change the default from reflexivity to presence. How are those drinks making you feel, really?
Good Thing You’re Not A Cat
Curiosity is the key here. And while curiosity might have killed the cat, thankfully you’re not a cat, so I’m hoping you’ll fare better in this exploration.
Why is alcohol such a default? Sure, you can reflect on society and culture, but more impactful to focus on your own life, uncomfortable though it may be.
Maybe the first question is: is alcohol your default? When you go to a work dinner with a customer or a social outing with your friends, do you always drink? When you get home from work, do you have a drink?
These questions seem really obvious and simple, but sometimes the simplest questions are the ones we forget to ask.
Or, asked differently: When was the last time you went to watch sports, a sporting event, customer dinner, book club, dinner party, and didn’t have an alcoholic beverage?
The really key thing is to bring awareness, not judgement. Near the end of my drinking career (so good I retired early), I couldn’t have recalled the last time I did any of those things without at least one drink.
Watching sports, had at least one drink, likely more.
Happy hour, didn’t go very often, but absolutely had a drink.
Evenings at home; I was mixing a martini pretty quick after saying hello to my wife and daughters, sometimes maybe even at the same time. Plus a glass or two of wine, because I was a refined American man, a la Mad Men.
Customer dinners, you got it.
Hosting dinner parties? I was mixing drinks for everyone and making sure glasses remained topped off.
I share all this because I was so deep in the woods of alcohol that I couldn’t remember there were other pastures and mountains out there to explore. I had forgotten that I enjoyed my life as a kid without the help of this companion who had been with me for so many years.
I just plum forgot there was another option. And maybe you did, too. And maybe this lands like a bucket of ice cold water on your face, and I get it.
Exploring these questions with any kind of authenticity can be terrifying and unnerving. And if you’re anything like me, you’re really good at thinking, maybe even better at overthinking. And immediately a part of you pipes up, “how will you tell them you’re not drinking? You have that wedding, boys trip, vacation, work event, ______ coming up, how could you make it through that without drinking?” Plus, a dozen other more reasons to stay on the booze train.
And I get it, I had similar thoughts and questions. But stay with those initial questions I asked. What role is alcohol playing in your life, really? And is it a role you’re ok with?
For me, as much as I wished it might not have been the case, it wasn’t. It wasn’t a benefit to my life or my relationships. And choosing not to drink has probably been the most powerful positive choice I’ve ever made, for me.
It has allowed me to get to know myself again. To remember what I like, and don’t like. To sit with the hard feelings. To sit with the feelings of my friends and family. To be present through all of this life we get.
And if you’re curious about any of that in your own life. Hang with me. Hit the subscribe button. Become a paid subscriber and hop into a monthly zoom call. Shoot me a DM and let me know where you are in this journey. Where do you need help and support? I don’t have all the answers, but I can walk with you in the questions, just as others have walked with me.
It’s your “one wild and precious life” as Mary Oliver put it. Drink or don’t drink. All I hope is you make that decision for you, don’t let the broader culture do it for you. And it all starts with remembering you have a choice.