What Dreams (or Nightmares) are Made Of

Had a drinking dream (nightmare?) the other night. I was with Jill and we were with a big group of people. And, I remember having two drinks, and feeling okay, not overly drunk or anything. Which makes sense after two drinks. And Jill knew, I’m pretty sure, or at least I wasn’t hiding it. And drinking was part of the conversation and also not at the same time. But I remember feeling a kind of drop in my stomach realizing I had lost all this sober time that I’ve put together over the last couple years (621 days as of writing). The feeling of drinking didn’t feel good and it didn’t feel bad. The consumption itself didn’t feel like anything.

What I did feel, was a low-grade mourning for the pattern I had built. And a sense that even though I could go back to not drinking again, I had lost a bit of something that I had worked so hard to cultivate. And that felt so freaking real.

Maybe this sounds insane to you. When I was still in the regular (i.e. daily) drinking pattern, this kind of dream wouldn’t have phased me one bit. Also, didn’t dream a ton then, probably because my body was trying to focus on processing the alcohol and my sleep cycles were all out of whack. But, if someone told me they had a drinking dream and it caused some kind of upset or panic because they hadn’t had a drink for some time, I would have looked at them with some side eye and probably given them a wide berth. Who gets worked up over drinks they didn’t even have?

I can’t tell you the sense of relief I had when I woke up and realized it was a dream.

It’s also funny because I haven’t even really been thinking about drinking lately. That’s not entirely true. My day job at the moment is marketing/sales for alcohol used in chemicals, cleaning, personal care, and yes, beverages. There’s a fair bit of misalignment that I wrestle with on a daily basis. But, on the personal level, I haven’t really been pining for a drink.

Then, I listened to a podcast the other day where the focus was on controlling drinking. Like, stopping for a bit, with the goal of going back to drinking normally, moderately, under control, fill in the blank with your concept of choice___________. It reminded me of a part of me who used to like this idea of getting it under control, of being able to drink “normally” or “healthily” whatever those words mean in the context of alcohol. But, more of me, in listening to that podcast wondered why anyone would want to go down that path of control/moderation.

To be clear, I’m not making some statement that you or everyone should not drink any alcohol ever. That’s your journey and life and it’s up to you. I do increasingly know that the moderation thing isn’t the path for me. There’s too many occasions to drink: just this birthday, or anniversary, or holiday, or Cinco de Mayo, or whatever.

Yesterday was the Kentucky Derby, and many years I’d make mint juleps (which are basically just bourbon on the rocks with a hint of mint and sweetener) and watch the race. Am I from Kentucky? No. Do I have any history or relationship with horse racing? No. Did I even bet on the race? No. There was just something about it, it looks so classy with all those hats and fascinators and suits and mint juleps, always the mint julep. It was a kind of ritual that really I had no connection to other than the idea of drinking along with it. And I don’t even know where I picked this up along the way.

But back to the dream. I don’t know how to interpret most dreams. I don’t know what it means that somebody from the past shows up in it, or I’m sliding down a rainbow, or whatever. In thinking about how we feel in relation to experience and what it means, I liked this approach from

Mia Quagliarello

(Discomfort is Data):

She talks about how our feelings show us what we do, or don’t value, and what’s important to us. So, I’m interpreting my sense while listening to the podcast and my disappointment at having had a couple dream drinks as reminders that I value this alcohol free life I’m cultivating and want to keep leaning into that.

The important note is that this isn’t for everyone. My response to things is mine. Your response to things is yours. I know there are people in my life who don’t understand my decision not to drink. I could speculate about what that’s about—maybe they’re embarrassed that I’m so open about not drinking because it pulls down the façade of good or perfect or whatever—but it doesn’t really matter.  I’m happy with my decision and it’s a decision that dreams are made of.

Photo by Nick Herasimenka on Unsplash

I don’t know what your thing is, whether it’s booze, or eating, or scrolling, or whatever. But, I hope you can find the courage to make the choice that fits for you, even if people around you don’t get it. It’s not popular and it’s not always easy, but if it’s the right choice for you, the sense of alignment will click into place and it’ll grow easier with time. That’s been my experience. Not all mountaintops, but way more mountaintops than valleys lately. And, I can face the valleys head-on, because I didn’t have those two drinks I thought I did in my dream.