Maybe They're Thinking The Same Thing About You
“Maybe they’re thinking the same thing about you.” These were not the words I was expecting to hear from my therapist. Which is, of course, part of the reason I go to therapy. Yes, to work through my knots and stuck parts with a partner who witnesses me with positive regard, and also to challenge my thinking and offer different perspectives.
The topic? Guys. Specifically, guys who fall into more of the acquaintance bucket. Partners of my wife’s friends, or guys I see frequently enough to know a few salient details about their lives (maybe their favorite sports team), but not enough to know their biggest fear(s) or what they’re struggling with. I had shared with my therapist that when I’m out in these social settings and conversations, I often want more depth. Yeah, I can talk about the sports and the weather, but I’d rather know what book, show, or movie you loved lately, and why? What are you curious about? What are you enjoying about your life? In what areas and ways do you want more? How’s parenting going (if you have kids)? I mean, really, not just the laughing off because it’d hard, but those moments you’re losing your mind, and also the tender moment that surprised you. Maybe even sex, what’s going well, what isn’t, and what are you struggling with but too scared to say out loud. Ok, this last one is a pretty long putt (to use a sports analogy), but still, a guy can dream. The list could go on, but hopefully you get the idea.
Maybe conversation hovers near the top of the proverbial surface because we all know topics like religion and politics are strictly off limits. Unless of course I assume the other person agrees with me on such things, and then they’re both fair game. But how do you find that out? And if you can’t, how do you ever move deeper into those conversation points that might bring some real connection?
The story I’ve told about these interactions is pretty simple: I want more depth, other guys don’t. I want to plumb the depths and they seem pretty content discussing the latest game, athlete trade, or bets they’ve placed. Plus or minus a drinking war story or two. And if you were a fly on the wall for a lot of these past interactions, you’d note that what I’m describing is not untrue. And yet, the truth is, beyond a handful of examples, the conversation stays there because I let it. I don’t follow sports much anymore. The week of the Super Bowl, I realized I couldn’t name a head coach or even a player for either team. This isn’t a badge of honor, it’s just a statement at how my life has shifted in the past few years and the NFL hasn’t joined the party for the most part.
So, when sports do come up as a topic, I often get pretty quiet. Not because I’m trying to be difficult, but because I’m just not in the know. And in those moments, I find myself wondering if I can ever find folks in real life to connect in more depth. And that story is centered on the premise that no one wants to talk about other topics. But what also became true in my therapy session last week, is maybe I’ve given up giving other people a chance to talk about something else. I’ve given up asking what book they’ve read lately, because that question fell flat enough times that I just stopped. Insert any other question there beyond sports or weather, and I’m guilty of not asking those, too, for similar reason.
I haven’t asked because I’m scared that the question will fall flat, that no one will bite, and this (albeit minor) form of rejection, still feels like rejection. But my therapist’s question invited me to consider a different reality. It’s another way of asking ‘what else could be true?’ And in this guys conversation area, it could be true that other guys are looking for more depth, as well, but they don’t see me asking about anything other than the weather and sports, so we end up staying on those safe topics. I won’t lie, I have doubts about whether this is actually true, but it could be.
I took an informal poll in my Instagram stories, asking men two questions. One: are you looking for more social connection. Two: When you hang out with your partner’s friends and their partners, do you find yourself wishing the conversation hit on deeper topics than sports and weather? The overwhelming response to both questions was “yes.” Now, it was a super small sample size, but it at least indicates there is a hunger for more depth on the male side of things.
If guys want more depth and connection, but aren’t finding it. And potentially guys in similar social circles answered yes to both, but aren’t getting either from each other. What has to change? Vulnerability feels like the easy (and also hard) answer. Vulnerability opens the door for connection. If I take a chance and go first, share a high or low moment, or something that impacted me on a deep level, that feels pretty scary and potentially exposing. And no one’s forcing me to do it, but also maybe the guy I’m hanging out with would like to share beyond the normal social niceties, and maybe he never will unless I go first.
It’s a hunch, a theory, and one that I’m (mostly) committed to trying as an experiment in the coming months. I don’t know exactly what it will look like, but given the feedback on the poll, it seems like it’s worth a shot. I recognize longer term and deeper relationships would be a better venue for some of these topics, but also how do you get to those deeper relational spaces without having some of these conversations along the way?
And parts of me still have doubts about the prospects of going first, of getting vulnerable in spaces that historically haven’t had much of that kind of thing. But I’m also looking for some more in-real-life connection, and feel like it’s not going to come find me, so why not give this new mode a shot. So, here’s to seeing if my therapist is right.
If you’re in a transition right now, or would like to be in the future, check out Hallpass. It’s a chance to be whoever you want for an hour, to get curious about what’s keeping you from making more movement toward the change you’d like to make. If you have any questions about it, send me a note at hello@joshualuton.com.
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Your turn: What do you think? If you’re a guy, are you looking for more depth and connection in your social life? If you’re the partner of a guy, is your guy looking for more?
Great piece Josh! It’s so true that the hardest part can be breaking the ice for a deeper convo