Daring to Change: The Wallflower’s Journey from Fear to Courage
Death and taxes are set up as the only two givens in this life, but lately a couple other ever-present factors been on my mind: fear and courage.
I was at a kid event the other night with one of our daughters. These are historically tough for me. I’m not the most outgoing person. I won’t instinctively walk up and introduce myself to everyone (or even a few people) in a room. I’m more likely to be the wallflower. Even that’s a bit too colorful, I’m more likely to be the wall, sans flower.
Back to the other night. I rolled up, let my daughter get into playing with her friends and took my seat at a picnic table near the action, but not in the middle of it, as is my custom. I sat quietly for a while, watching the kids play. Looking for that opportunity to join in with an adult conversation. Or, even better, to be invited in.
After a while, I’m not sure exactly why, I decided to try. I introduced myself to a couple guys. This may sound like the most boring story for you, and I can understand. You may be mister/miss gregarious and outgoing, but that has not been my lot for most of my life.
If you’re like me and tend to go inward in new social settings, you might get that feeling. This longing for connection, to be seen, to have the courage to just break into a conversation. The sinking in the pit of your stomach that everyone else knows each other, and maybe have been connected for years. They have a history of shared dinners and parties, and here you are feeling embarrassed for not being in this social inner circle.
And there’s the practical side of this commitment to staying inside, to keeping a low profile. I don’t run across most of these folks in day-to-day life. How much do I really want to get involved with them? To get to know them? What if I forget their name by the time I see them again? And worse, what if they remember mine?
Anyway, I pushed through that inner angst. Which, occasionally happens when my exuberant wife is with me, but rarely occurs on my solo excursions. Pushed through the barrier even though some of them were drinking, and part of me in new social settings can still feel like a cartoon spotlight is highlighting me as the sober weirdo.
Still, I pushed through and worked up the courage to talk to some guys. And the conversation went fine. They were nice guys, it was pleasant conversation, but there were no lifelong friends made. But, I did the dang thing. And you know what? After I broke through that barrier of introducing myself and asking their name, connection kind of flowed.
Super obvious to some of you. And to others of you, maybe revelatory or at least resonant with your experience.
And feels like this question I’ve been sitting with lately: am I making this decision out of fear or courage?
How often do we live into this pattern of fear? Take the safe bet, don’t ruffle feathers. Find your quiet spot and let others (i.e. your daughter) have a good time. Endure the event as if it’s the equivalent of a social ultra-marathon, wherein you focus on how much water you’re drinking and when it’s time to grab some more food to refuel, really to kill time and try to ignore how lonely it feels inside.
We push away the fear of being honest with ourselves that we are lonely. We fear being rejected by others, so we preemptively choose self-isolation so they can’t reject us. We fear doing the things we want to do, pursuing the interests and life we want, reading the books we want, admitting we like the things we like, just to not be rejected.
Maybe the “we” is an overstep, but it’s been a major force in my life.
While thinking about this, a scene from Deuteronomy popped into my head. And to the chagrin of all my biblical professors, I’m going to cherry pick the point I want. Set the scene: Moses and the people of Israel are near the end of their long wandering through the desert, after escaping the oppressive rule of Pharaoh and slavery in Egypt. They’re close to the promised land and Moses is giving them some last bits of advice: “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live” (Deuteronomy 30:19-20).
To twist that into my purposes, I’ve set before you fear and courage. Choose courage so that you may live.
Choose courage so that the energy of life may well up within you and overflow to your friends and family. So by pushing through that momentary fear, you might find the promised land of joy and connection sitting just on the other side.
Are you more gregarious or more wall(flower)?
Do you resonate with the pull of fear and courage? Which one do you choose more often in this season of your life?