A Confession

On Wanting & Fear

I have a confession to make: I’m not entirely sure how to show up here. Not just Substack, but online more broadly. And even typing this, I know that’s not the deepest truth. I know how I’d like to show up, but I’m also fearful that showing up in that way will be negative. Not because showing up in that way will be a negative presence, but because if I show up the way I really want to I might cut off potential future opportunities.

Which, isn’t that the most obvious statement? Of course, making a choice in one direction, precludes other choices. If I order a burger at dinner, I’m probably not also ordering salmon. But this decision feels heavier than my dinner order.

I’m more worried showing up the way I want will cost me credibility and future work opportunities. I’m five months in to this new leg of my life journey building a coaching business. I’m going through a training program and putting in the reps and working to find clients who are interested in making shifts in their lives. And, I see folks on Instagram (and some here) who show up exactly how they want, writing and talking about what they want and seem to be landing clients and making it work. But the other big opportunity in coaching seems to be executive coaching or coaching in a corporate environment, where (I assume) those potential clients want to explore things that impact the bottom line (theirs and their company’s) rather than digging into personal transformation work in addition. In other words, I’m projecting that they’d be more apt to hire someone who was just talking about leadership principles in their content rather than someone who was getting into the mess and muck of emotional sobriety/maturity and other topics, like sex, which I’ve written about a fair bit here over the past couple years.

I even soft-launched this in my Instagram stories a month ago saying I wanted to start having some of the conversations I thought people would like to have but are too scared to. And then I proceeded to not jump in and have any of those conversations because I was scared.

I haven’t published anything the last two Sundays, which is atypical for me. And part of the reason was travel on consecutive weekends, but the bigger factor was this uncertainty about how to move forward. Am I making this bigger than it is? Meaning, is wanting to push into this new content space just a focus on my ego and stuff that potential clients wouldn’t care about it anyway? Or, would business and executive clients (the right ones for me) actually be more likely to hire me down the road because I show up in this other way, one that’s unique to me without trying to fit into some predefined box of what coaching in a business setting should be?

I saw a clip of Peter Crone speaking with a woman who knew it was time to quit her job and had the savings to make a go at a different path, but she hadn’t made the jump yet. Her reason? “I’m scared of living off my savings.” “How long have you been living off your savings,” he asked her. And he went on to say that she’s pulling this fear state out of a future that doesn’t exist. Quitting her job and living on her savings might be the most liberated she’s ever felt (this has been true for me), and yet, she was staying stuck because of that other belief.

I know that move isn’t an option for everyone, and I don’t even think it’s the right move for everyone, because of course it’s not. We’re all unique and on our own journey at different points through this life. But I do think there’s something there. And I wonder if my conundrum isn’t so similar to hers: I’m pulling future anxiety and fear out of a life where I show up the way I want and get completely rejected, and that reality doesn’t exist because I haven’t tried it yet.

And still, the fear persists. Crone went on to say that fear is part of growth. It’s the presence of fear in a new decision that tells you you’re evolving. Not overwhelming fear, but at least the subtle sense that there’s some risk there. Maybe it’s walking up to say something to a woman you find attractive, or maybe it’s taking the risk to tell your partner something isn’t working, or maybe it’s admitting to yourself the life you built looks great on paper but it’s not you. All these things might be true, but there will be fear of taking that step and speaking it into the world.

It feels a little messy to even write about this here, but it’s also honest to where I am in this moment and hopefully that gives a little boon to the writing. The truth is this whole coaching endeavor and path is an experiment, and figuring out how to show up online is an experiment, because life is an experiment. We try new things and see what fits, what doesn’t. Sometimes we wear the latter a bit too long and then (hopefully) course correct.

People think they don’t know what they want, but I don’t think that’s true. I think people know what they want and are scared of what will happen if they go after it. And I think that because it’s exactly where I am. I know what feels true in this season, I’m just not convinced it’s the best right way to show up and market myself, or tell my story, because isn’t that all good marketing is?

I don’t know what the next few weeks will bring, maybe some experimentation, maybe just staying in this same stuck place, I do know it’s harder to see those shifts and potential in myself than it is in others. So, for now, I’m committing to keep showing up, and keep experimenting, we’ll see where that leads.

If you made it this far, thanks for hanging in. And if you’re interested in exploring some of your own desires that you’re feeling some blocks to going after, book a Hallpass session. It’s one-hour, one-time, conversation with no ongoing commitment or pressure. You get to show up as whoever you want to be. I bring the curiosity and structure for the exploration and we have a great chat that hopefully gets you some momentum in the direction you’d like to move.

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